This post was written for Five Minute Friday.
Five minutes to free write about it
Confession: This week, though I tried to keep it short, I did not set the timer. Nor did I refrain from thinking about what I was writing. Hopefully I will be forgiven for this transgression by my fellow FMF friends.
As soon as I saw the weekly prompt, the words, "to have and to hold from this day forward..." flashed across my mind, and I was transported back to a time many years ago when I made a major life change based on the promises of a man I trusted, who prided himself on being a person of integrity, and who had assured me that his words could be banked on. When he asked me to marry him, I had no qualms about moving, or about burning all my bridges behind me. Everyone seemed happy for me, except one friend who warned me not to be so hasty.
It wasn't long before I discovered that my friend's fears were well founded. There was no marriage, and there was no turning back. Just one big slice of humble pie, along with confirmation that God's word is the only word that can be banked on one hundred percent of the time.
I was angry at God for letting this happen to me, and wished there were someone else I could turn to. Of course there wasn't, and my mind was in such turmoil that I seriously considered ending my life on the curvy road of a West Virginia mountain. I could drive my car off one of its steep cliffs and everyone would think it was an accident. The only thing that stopped me was a fear of being crippled instead of dying.
In a state of helpless fury, I wept until there were no more tears left to cry, and then suddenly, I felt enveloped by a great peace, as though the Lord were holding me close and quieting me. An image flashed through my mind of a wild horse bucking one last time before finally calming down, and in that moment, I was able to release what was in my tightly clenched fists and open them up to receive something better.
When I look back in retrospect to that time of hopelessness, and even further back to the season of anguish and devastation following the loss of my spouse, I can clearly see how death led to newness of life, and closed doors opened to better ones that I would never have imagined possible.
With all these evidences of God's faithfulness, it shames me to admit that I still struggle with doubts and fears when faced with events I don't understand, and I am grateful beyond measure that God loves me unconditionally despite my shortcomings. He is the only one I can be sure will never give up on me, even when I'm ready to give up on myself.
When everything seems to be going wrong, these are the truths I need to cling to, and when my eyes start fixating on the little bits and pieces of the puzzle before me, I need to remind myself that God sees the whole picture, and is working things out for my good and His glory.